I actually started a new blog because I couldn't gain access to this one and I was so embarrassed about the epic fail for not blogging enough on this one. But, I'm giving myself a pass now. I find the need to give myself a pass pretty often these days. Mom Guilt - I need a pass. Wife Guilt - Pass. Work Guilt - Pass.
There was a debate last night between Trump and Biden for the election coming up in November. It was a disaster and the biggest feeling I felt was sadness. Sadness for the state of our country, our leaders, our people, our economy. I know people make mistakes and poor decisions. That's called being human. What I care most about is the intention behind the statement or action. If the intention is right, but it doesn't play out as expected, I can deal with that. I find myself so many times asking what someone's true intentions are before I go judging whatever it is I feel entitled to judge (I'm working on this, okay?). If we took more time to study someone's intentions rather than the action or statement itself, I think we would find ourselves less offended, less hurt, less disappointed and the list goes on.
I've started a new program to live a "healthy" lifestyle. The program so far has been full of more than just tips on eating. It focuses more on the psychology behind how we view ourselves, lies we tell ourselves, why we eat, and what we eat. When you think about it, as humans, the more stressed, overworked, overtired, over-stimulated we get, the more unhealthy our habits become. For so many of us, our eating habits fall right in place with the other unhealthy habits. But, I deserve better for myself. I deserve to feel comfortable with who I am and love all of me, not just parts of me. I can tell myself this, but actually making this my reality is challenging. It's not a fight with my negative, destructive thoughts and distortions... it's a war! I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I love this phrase! I find myself repeating it many times a day. I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I CAN DO HARD THINGS.
Most importantly, if there is any change that I can pass on even a sliver of this "knowing" to my children, than it's worth it. I understand a little more now how God must feel when we berate and belittle ourselves. He must be asking us, "Why don't you see what I see?" That's exactly what I ask of my children when those negative thoughts creep in on them. "Why don't you see what I see?" Maybe it's because we are so in tune with outsiders looking in, that we forget to be the insider looking out. We forget it all starts with the inside and we do influence how we are viewed by others. People see our joy, our insecurities, our pain, our fears. Those feelings and thoughts are projected in some way or many ways by our body language, our words, our actions, or just our willingness to welcome others into our little world. We can be surrounded by many and yet never really let anyone into our own world. We are lonely and yearn for love, companionship, acceptance and rest, but we push people away, sometimes without even realizing it. We are unapproachable and distant. Our vibe says, "Don't get too close. You won't like what you see and you'll want to get away."
There it is... that's what I want! I want my vibe to say. "Welcome." "I'm a mess sometimes. I'm always late. I am super forgetful. I procrastinate. I clean when I'm stressed or sad. I don't like to be touched often, but I like you close. Sometimes I don't want to talk, I just want to be. I make stupid jokes. I like animals, sometimes more than people. I don't like risks, scary movies, thrill rides or anything that takes me out of my comfort zone. I like to be comfortable. Hello? Have you seen my wardrobe? Conflict makes me very uncomfortable (back to my comfort zone). I have dry skin, grandma hands, and a stomach that literally and figuratively has weighed me down since childhood. I'm afraid of growing old. I worry about regrets and If I'd only thoughts. I worry and fidget and never relax. Does this sound like someone you'd like to be your friend?"
I wonder if God has put people into my life that would take all of these attributes which deem me unworthy of love and acceptance and said... "I love it! I love you! This is hilarious and real and I can completely relate." But, I missed it. I missed them or didn't acknowledge them. Did my vibe push them away? God puts his proverbial hand to his forehead and says "Maybe next time my dear."
God, help me to SEE and KNOW these people you bring into my life. Help others to SEE and KNOW all that is TRUE, GOOD, and BEAUTIFUL in me. Let my words and my actions say "Welcome to my world. Please stay. We've got this. We can do hard things. Together."