One Year Later...

We are now into a full year dealing with COVID-19. It seems like it's been about 5 years. I took Kylie to get tested today, so this will be her third time to be tested. It hit her grade pretty hard at school so she's enjoying online school in the comforts of her own bed... her favorite place to be:) Adam and I both went through a period of time where we were extremely fatigued, so I wouldn't be surprised if we already had it at some point.  I did not think we would still be dealing with the intensity of this virus here a year later. We are living in history being made. If I never hear the words "uncertain times" or "wear a mask" or "socially distance" again, that will be just fine with me. 

Last month I have officially been with C.C. Creations for 20 years! Ummmmm, what? I was barely out of college and the idea of adulting was exciting. I remember being so tired from working a full day that I would drive home and nap at lunch. I missed those afternoons off my senior year at BU. Those were the days! I don't feel old enough to have done a job for 20 years.  I'm quite the anomaly these days.  People don't stay in one place this long anymore. Jumping from job to job is more the norm now. I guess it's a testament to two things about me - I'm not a fan of change and I'm loyal to my core. 

We are getting another puppy on Saturday. We've lost our minds. For real. We've lost it. If you had asked me this time last year if we would be getting another dog, I would have said there was zero chance. Yet, here we are and Ranger is coming home on Saturday. Five people, three dogs, one cat, and one fish. Sounds completely normal. I'm hoping Gunner and Zoey will show him the ropes and enjoy the little guy. I'm anxious to see how quickly he learns from them. We need some excitement and puppy cuteness to brighten things up around here.

Adam said he wanted to put up lots of trees in the house this year, like a winter wonderland. I told him I'd make him a special tree with bags of snacks on it so he wouldn't have to go far when he needed a snack.  We could have all kinds of theme trees going on. One of my favorite trees of all times was the tree at apartment in Waco. If I remember correctly, we decorated it with beer cans and one of those cheesy plastic, gold stars on top. It was hideous and awesome. Sometimes we all need a little hideous and awesome. Looking back at the way I dressed pretty much my entire childhood can be summed up by hideously awesome. SO many bad trends. I wonder what trend is happening right now that I will look back on and cringe? Looking forward to it.

Show Up

I want to show up. I want to show up for my family, my friends, my neighbors, and whoever else needs me. I don't know exactly how I'm going to do it, but I AM going to do it. Right now I feel like I'm going through the motions and it's weighing on my heart. Going with the ebb and flow of life, the ups and downs as they come, is all fine and dandy, but something is missing. I can't say I've figured out what is missing, but it's something.  How am I giving back? How am I looking out, instead of in? What am I choosing to focus on, to spend time on. I'm neither selfish nor generous. I'm just stuck in the middle. I want to be both. I want to be selfish and focus on my personal growth and self-love, but I also want to be generous with my my heart and my actions. I want to be needy, but I also want to be independent. It seems impossible, but I know it isn't.  As long as I don't create some unrealistic expectation of what all of this looks like, right? My heart tells me to stick with truth. Find my real truth. That's a tough one.  Maybe I won't like the truth. It can be a messy, scary, painful truth, but I believe it can also be abundantly beautiful. 

Here's to showing up.

We Can Do Hard Things... Together

 I actually started a new blog because I couldn't gain access to this one and I was so embarrassed about the epic fail for not blogging enough on this one.  But, I'm giving myself a pass now.  I find the need to give myself a pass pretty often these days.  Mom Guilt - I need a pass. Wife Guilt - Pass. Work Guilt - Pass. 

    There was a debate last night between Trump and Biden for the election coming up in November. It was a disaster and the biggest feeling I felt was sadness. Sadness for the state of our country, our leaders, our people, our economy. I know people make mistakes and poor decisions. That's called being human. What I care most about is the intention behind the statement or action. If the intention is right, but it doesn't play out as expected, I can deal with that. I find myself so many times asking what someone's true intentions are before I go judging whatever it is I feel entitled to judge (I'm working on this, okay?). If we took more time to study someone's intentions rather than the action or statement itself, I think we would find ourselves less offended, less hurt, less disappointed and the list goes on.

    I've started a new program to live a "healthy" lifestyle. The program so far has been full of more than just tips on eating. It focuses more on the psychology behind how we view ourselves, lies we tell ourselves, why we eat, and what we eat.  When you think about it, as humans, the more stressed, overworked, overtired, over-stimulated we get, the more unhealthy our habits become.  For so many of us, our eating habits fall right in place with the other unhealthy habits. But, I deserve better for myself. I deserve to feel comfortable with who I am and love all of me, not just parts of me.  I can tell myself this, but actually making this my reality is challenging.  It's not a fight with my negative, destructive thoughts and distortions... it's a war!  I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I love this phrase! I find myself repeating it many times a day.  I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

    Most importantly, if there is any change that I can pass on even a sliver of this "knowing" to my children, than it's worth it. I understand a little more now how God must feel when we berate and belittle ourselves. He must be asking us, "Why don't you see what I see?"  That's exactly what I ask of my children when those negative thoughts creep in on them. "Why don't you see what I see?" Maybe it's because we are so in tune with outsiders looking in, that we forget to be the insider looking out. We forget it all starts with the inside and we do influence how we are viewed by others. People see our joy, our insecurities, our pain, our fears. Those feelings and thoughts are projected in some way or many ways by our body language, our words, our actions, or just our willingness to welcome others into our little world. We can be surrounded by many and yet never really let anyone into our own world. We are lonely and yearn for love, companionship, acceptance and rest, but we push people away, sometimes without even realizing it. We are unapproachable and distant. Our vibe says, "Don't get too close. You won't like what you see and you'll want to get away." 

    There it is... that's what I want! I want my vibe to say. "Welcome." "I'm a mess sometimes. I'm always late. I am super forgetful. I procrastinate. I clean when I'm stressed or sad. I don't like to be touched often, but I like you close. Sometimes I don't want to talk, I just want to be. I make stupid jokes. I like animals, sometimes more than people. I don't like risks, scary movies, thrill rides or anything that takes me out of my comfort zone. I like to be comfortable. Hello? Have you seen my wardrobe? Conflict makes me very uncomfortable (back to my comfort zone). I have dry skin, grandma hands, and a stomach that literally and figuratively has weighed me down since childhood. I'm afraid of growing old. I worry about regrets and If I'd only thoughts. I worry and fidget and never relax. Does this sound like someone you'd like to be your friend?" 

    I wonder if God has put people into my life that would take all of these attributes which deem me unworthy of love and acceptance and said... "I love it! I love you! This is hilarious and real and I can completely relate." But, I missed it. I missed them or didn't acknowledge them. Did my vibe push them away? God puts his proverbial hand to his forehead and says "Maybe next time my dear."

    God, help  me to SEE and KNOW these people you bring into my life. Help others to SEE and KNOW all that is TRUE, GOOD, and BEAUTIFUL in me. Let my words and my actions say "Welcome to my world. Please stay. We've got this. We can do hard things. Together."